Cultivating Self-Compassion

I want to share with you my favourite tool for building self-belief and unlocking your full potential. Learning this tool changed my life, and if you don’t practise this already, I firmly believe it will change yours too…… SELF COMPASSION.

Your inner voice is critical to your sense of sense, and it impacts on every aspect of your daily life. So, if your self-talk is negative, it will have a huge impact on everything you do, often without you even being aware of it. It's hard to believe in yourself, make changes and achieve your full potential if someone is being mean, dragging you down or pointing out the scary things that will happen if you move forward. Especially if that person is you! Your inner voice is the voice you hear most often, so, if it's not kind it will impact on your peace, confidence, self-respect & self-worth. And without these, it’s very tricky to realise your full potential.

Take a moment. What is your inner voice like? Is she kind and compassionate? Has she got your back? Or is she a total bitch? Mine used to be such a bully to me. Always putting me down, criticizing and judging, making me feel small and unworthy. But once I became aware of it, I could take steps to change it. I developed self-compassion.

So what is self-compassion?

Self-compassion is a way of relating to ourselves with kindness and acceptance. In all situations. Unconditionally. And especially when we “fail” or feel inadequate. Self-compassion helps us to acknowledge that we are all perfectly imperfect. It is treating ourselves with the same kindness and compassion that we would treat a good friend or a child with.

Sounds simple right? But it’s surprisingly tough to do because most of us weren’t taught self-compassion whilst growing up. In fact, we were taught the opposite because western culture doesn’t really consider self-compassion to be an asset; consider the phrase “she really loves herself” – this is an insult in our culture! In the west we are often brought up thinking we have to be tough and strong and keep going no matter what. That stopping, showing emotion, or needing to take a moment for ourselves is a sign of weakness.

However, research now shows that self-compassion builds inner strength and resilience and makes people better able to cope in tough situations. It’s a superpower! And to those people that say self-compassion is selfishly putting our needs above others, we say you can’t pour from an empty cup! Self-compassion helps us give MORE to others, not less.

“But Jen, doesn’t my negative self-talk motivate me and drive me to succeed? If I was just kind to myself all the time, how would I get anything done?” Great question! Research shows that self-criticism undermines self-confidence and causes a fear of failure, which in turn keeps us stuck. If you have ever been in the state of flow, you know that it is the most productive time you can have. There is no negative self-talk in flow, there are no doubts or fears, there is only productivity and joy. You do not need negativity to achieve your goals, you need peace from your inner voice, you need self-compassion!

The good news is, you CAN ditch the negative self-talk and develop a kinder, more compassionate voice. It’s a pretty simple process, it just takes some practise because you’re essentially training your brain into a new way of thinking. Your inner voice has been with you since you were little so it’s going to take some time to make shifts, but you’ll begin noticing the changes right away.

How to develop self-compassion:

1: Bring your awareness to your self-talk.

Don’t push it away, just get used to being aware of how you’re talking to yourself. What words do you use? What tone of voice? When does it come up? Is it around certain people or situations or goals? The more awareness you can bring to this, the easier it will be to spot when you’re doing it.

2: Be kind to your inner critic.

This might seem a bit counter-intuitive but go with it! Don’t tell that negative voice to get lost, that will just add more negativity. That critical voice is still you, so you’d just be telling yourself to get lost – instead choose to be compassionate to yourself, to your inner critic. Recognise what the voice is trying to do – essentially keep you safe. You can very kindly just say “Thank you, but I don’t need you to talk like that. I’ve got this.”

3: Pick a new thought.

Yes, just like that! What would be a kinder, more compassionate thought? For example, instead of “I can’t do that”, you might say “it’s safe for me to try”. This can be hard to do at first, but practise makes perfect. If it’s hard for you to access a kinder thought at first, try thinking about what you’d say to a good friend or a child in that situation. I find it much easier to be compassionate if I imagine my daughters in a similar position and how I’d want them to treat themselves.

Journaling prompts for self-compassion:

• What misgivings do you have about self-compassion? Any fears or concerns about it?

• When you were growing up, did those around you show themselves self-compassion? How about the key people in your life now?

• How do you care for yourself physically (e.g. exercise, massage, cup of tea, warm bath)?

  • Can you think of new ways to release tension and stress that builds up in your body?

• How do you care for your mind, especially when you're under stress (e.g. meditation, watch a funny movie, read a book)?

  • Is there a new strategy you'd like to try to let your thoughts come and go more easily?

• How do you care for yourself emotionally (e.g. journal, walking the dog)?

  • Is there something new you'd like to try?

• How or when do you relate to others in ways that bring you genuine happiness (e.g. meet with friends, play a sport)?

  • Is there any way that you'd like to enrich these connections?

• What do you do to care for yourself spiritually (e.g. prayer, walk in nature, help others)?

  • Is there anything else you'd like to commit to to help nurture your spiritual side?